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» Oh hai.
The maniac's complexities. Emptyby Viper718 Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:14 am

» Ryojin's stuff
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» Help with Python
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» Hikkikomori Much?
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» Captain's Log
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» The maniac's complexities.
The maniac's complexities. Emptyby Donnymaniac Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:18 pm

» Me, Myself and I
The maniac's complexities. Emptyby Nudi_Alf Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:42 am

» Life's a bitch, but I love it
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» Naruto
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 The maniac's complexities.

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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyThu May 20, 2010 1:59 pm

Eh, so i had journal on the old forum, no one read it, and i doubt any one would bother reading this one, pffft i still miss it, reading it every now and then was fun, even though it brought me sad memories. >.<
I decided to start a new one here, i already have a blog, but i dont think am gona need that anymore now that i have this.
A little about myself:
I am Donny, the maniac, I am a University student, Telecom FE.
Boring eh?
It gets worse trust me.
Sooooo

I get my summer vacations on the 7th june, am not looking forward to it at all, i have loads to study, considering the fact that i studied nothing in the last 4 months, been busy with projects, friends, gfs etc etc
Oh btw i dont have a gf anymore, am so random, i actually dated a girl for 2 weeks and then got bored.
-_- insane, i know.
And guess what?
I think i have this crush on another lady, not love, i doubt i could fall in real love in the next 4 to 5 years, i even doubt the fact that love exists, its all personal desires that get fulfilled one way or the other.
Ehhh, so i have this department picnic on Saturday which i wont attend, am really in no mood for picnics, i need some me time, alota me time.
I hate the society am in, i hate this community, i just cant get over it, i ve been getting this "I dont belong here" feeling alot, i just wanna go somewhere far, some place where people understand me, share my interests and stuff like that.
Oh btw did i tell you am 17? oh you prolly read it under my name to the left.
I believe am the youngest student in uni, see my dad made me skip classes cuz he thought i was smart but no, he was wrong, i guess.
I dont mind being young really, but people here seriously made me hate myself, i actually look too young, and people around me make fun of that, pisses me off, because i never chose to be this way, but again i think i never got to choose alota stuff in my life.

Anyways thats all for now.

Dated: May 20, 2010.
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyFri May 21, 2010 4:27 pm

So i wanna get back in shape, i really wanna do so, i ve lost so much weight, and my chest is nearly flat, i think i just wasted years of hard work, my big bro would be fucking proud, yeah he would, think he d say am the sorest loser ever.
But i dont plan to stay this way, no, i gotta get back in shape, i gotta start working out again, i just need a month or two of regular exercises and i know i ll be fit again, but am too darn lazy.
Anyways, the magazine i work for wants me to begin designing it, they want it by the end of june, i dont know if i would be done by then, oh i didnt tell you, am the graphic designer in my departments magazine, a magazine for the students by the students, cool stuff, makes you feel responsible and all, if only i wasnt lazy. >.<
SoOoOoOoOoOoO
DotA addiction, i get very frustrated when i get dcd, so frustrated i start to scream and shout, 2 days ago my sister was being retarded enough to through the damn ball near my routers plugg, the plugg moved and i got dcd, and guess what? i blew up on her.
My dad is like i need to stop playing, considering how i am acting lately, he says am an addict and stuff, and he might rehabilitate me if needed, makes me go like WTF? WTF?
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Cromell
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyFri May 21, 2010 5:42 pm

Well, you gotta keep your emotions in check, othewise people start lookin at ya like yer a weirdo and say ya need a doc or somethin. That's how it goes, unfortunately, whether we like it or not.

On the other hand, getting angry so much from a game is not a good thing, IMO games are made for fun and entertainment, not frustration. Well, at least most of them. Sooo... chill out Very Happy
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyFri Jun 04, 2010 1:31 pm

Vacations started
Gota go
DotA match
I m in a dota team
serious games and stuff
kinda depressed
failed a test

-x--x--x--x-

Elaborate.
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyFri Jun 11, 2010 6:36 am

I feel so awful, its all a mess and am a part of it, fml.
I lost another dota game yesterday, i just cant seem to get along with my team, maybe because we dont know each other, but why is it that i feel their standing in my way, I ve always wanted to get in the pro dota scene, i try hard to give it all i ve got, do everything i learned in the past 9 months, but no, they just end up bringing the whole team down, people dont get that its not about the kills, its not about being the unstoppable rampage monster who can kill every one 1 v 5, seriously, am so fucking pissed at this member in my team, he just doesnt fucking get it, who the fuck does tbh?

Then this magazine guy who literally thinks i have nothing in the world but the magazine to worry about keeps annoying me over it, as if the world is gona end if i dont work on it 24/7.
Seriously, some people should just get a life and stop sticking to my ass.

And this study schedule i made with this friend, am not annoyed with it, but you see it all adds to the pressure.
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyMon Jun 21, 2010 10:59 am

Its funny, i just should never bother dreaming because nothing i dream of ever comes true, since the day i was born, i don't remember anything that i really wanted ever happening, I never thought that i would be the one complaining, i was fine with it, i had, to move on, but now thinking of it, it just annoys me.
The magazine is almost over, done with almost all the articles, the cover story is the hard part, gonna design it this week, then the index the next week, hopefully, by the end of june we ll send it for publishing.
So this local DotA tourny, so fail, never even got in it, because of a retarded non serious team, I doubt i can move ahead in the dotA scene, not until my team starts taking things a bit seriously, or until i get a major pc upgrade so i can play online with no problems, but that wont happen anytime soon.

Oh btw, am getting a new screen in the next 2 days.
Razz
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyThu Jun 24, 2010 6:59 pm

Why do i do stuff that i know they are wrong, but i still do em, just to feel guilty about it exactly after 5 minutes, and i end up being depressed over it for about a week or more, this constant depression i put myself through, its stupid, its like a disease, whenever i think am cured, i end up doing the same darn mistake again for the heck of it.
And your prolly like when the fuck will this guy stop crying and ranting about his fucked up life?
I really tend to ask myself the very same question everyday, everyday minute. Its like a loop being played over and over again for the last 3 years or so.

Lately, i ve been wondering, what am i good at? what makes me different from all of these people around me, whenever i look at a person in my life, i end up figuring out what hes good at, then wondering what I am good at, i know i might not be making sense but well, its 3.00 am. Blame the fucking clock.
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyTue Jul 13, 2010 7:38 pm

So finding my true self and my capabilities has been the only thing on my mind for a few weeks, I just cant seem to get over it, i keep comparing myself to other people, how everyone is succeeding in whatever they do, and am constantly failing, how everyone has what he/she wants but i dont, everyone seems to be happy but myself.
Maybe if i stop comparing myself to others, it would make me feel somewhat better, maybe not.
I know whose fault it is am this way, I dont even have enough balls to talk it out with anyone, because am scared, scared of what might happen after it, and its funny, who ever is the reason for all of this thinks he/she is absolutely right and am happy about him/her doing what ever he/she did. Its their fault, they are the ones who made me like this. I know my remedy, i just have to build up enough courage to spit out all to them, tell them what i really feel and have been feeling all those years. But no.
Its like am 100, not 17, well almost 18 now.
I feel like i can achieve nothing anymore, its too late for me to master or be master of anything, all i can do is just sit on it and rant about it. It pisses me off, everything is so tied up i hate to think about it.
But too bad i have nothing else to think about.
I just dont trust them any more, nope. I dont trust any one, i wonder why am i typing this, am already feeling so insecure about it but......
Everything and everyone around me seems to be draining every bit of hope i have, i dont know much more i have left, but its not much.
Its almost 4 am. Am tired, uni starts in a week, its not gona get better.

Lol. This place is awesome, its my own corner, a place i could spit out whatever i have in mind, feels abit different from talking to yourself about the problems yourself already knows about it.
Note: Yourself is a person.
Yes its me.
I know am wierd.
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Cromell
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyWed Jul 14, 2010 11:24 am

It is never too late to start improving yourself. Sure, it will be harder. Sure, it will take more time and effort. But it is never too late. So, whatever you want to do, reach for it! Don't hesitate, don't make excuses to yourself. Just do it!

And yeah, you're weird. Everyone here is, in a way Smile
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Logan
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PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyWed Jul 14, 2010 3:43 pm

You'll never find happiness in comparions to other people, especially if you feel they are better than you/have better things etc.

As Cromell says, it's never too late to improve or better oneself. Well, except when you're dead. That's the only point where it's too late. Hard to do anything dead really. And you're 18... that's a long time to work on things. One thing I always say:

There's only one person who is getting in the way of things.

I shouldn't need to point out who either. If something is in the way, you have to find a way around it. My way, is the hardest way. Rather than look for paths around the whole issue, I'll climb the mountain head on. Sometimes, I'll try to plough through it too. You just need to improve your self-confidence.

But, I understand completely. I say these things, and I find it hard sometimes to act on it myself, even in the most ridiculous situations where it seems practically pointless and stupid. If there's one thing I'd love to have is this sense of spontaniety. To just do things.

This is one of the reasons I'm working towards becoming a lawyer. There's a good opportunity for me to develop the skills that I lack or don't have much of. Two things in particular: Self confidence and trust. Can't win a case if you don't trust your clients. I don't trust easily; too many problems when you do that, but it's also a hold back at the same time. Crap really.

Just have to take things one at a time: Realise what issues you have, and find ways of solving them. Don't take short cuts, don't opt for the scenic route. You want the route that had lions and huge wasps in it. If anything, you'll have the signs that you tried (in the form of proverbial stings and bites, perhaps proverbial death but if you see too many lions, you should back off).

Sorry, random humour moments. Seriousness isn't always a strong point. Plus, too serious and you lose focus. Gotta enjoy this crap somehow.


Last edited by Logan on Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Cromell
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyWed Jul 14, 2010 4:53 pm

It's Cromell, not Cromwell. Do not connect me with some kingslayer. Wink
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Logan
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyWed Jul 14, 2010 6:11 pm

Sorry. But hey, we had a civil war and was all the better for it. Plus, Charles I was a bit of a bastard and deserved to be executed. Tyrannical monarch no thank you.

I have changed it though.
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Cromell
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PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyWed Jul 14, 2010 6:35 pm

Thanks. The only grudge I hold against Cromwell is that I am constantly being mistaken with him. This is preposterous!

Other than that, yeah, I guess he was the good guy in this episode of history. As much as you can consider murderer a good guy, but still.
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Donnymaniac
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The maniac's complexities. Empty
PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptySat Jul 17, 2010 5:38 pm

Cromell wrote:
It is never too late to start improving yourself. Sure, it will be harder. Sure, it will take more time and effort. But it is never too late. So, whatever you want to do, reach for it! Don't hesitate, don't make excuses to yourself. Just do it!

Lol, its funny when you think of it, I am in the end doing nothing, just making excuses to run away, when all i have to do is face it.



Logan wrote:
You'll never find happiness in comparions to other people, especially if you feel they are better than you/have better things etc.

As Cromell says, it's never too late to improve or better oneself. Well, except when you're dead. That's the only point where it's too late. Hard to do anything dead really. And you're 18... that's a long time to work on things. One thing I always say:

There's only one person who is getting in the way of things.

Hm, how do i put this through?
Look, its like this, ever since i was 7 i ve been always compared to others, made to believe that I am nothing but a worthless some one who isnt capable of doing anything, whenever i tried i ended up failing.


Quote :

I shouldn't need to point out who either. If something is in the way, you have to find a way around it. My way, is the hardest way. Rather than look for paths around the whole issue, I'll climb the mountain head on. Sometimes, I'll try to plough through it too. You just need to improve your self-confidence.

I get all pumped up today, and i end being depressed all over tomorrow, theres just no one to even motivate you through, I ve been like this all the time, I am my own motivation, its hard, really hard, I dont even try to move on, i just sit where i am and was, doing nothing, waiting for things to be solved by themselves, and if i do decide to fix things myself, then i get too impatient waiting for the results that are far far away.


Quote :
But, I understand completely. I say these things, and I find it hard sometimes to act on it myself, even in the most ridiculous situations where it seems practically pointless and stupid. If there's one thing I'd love to have is this sense of spontaniety. To just do things.

We all do, you d be surprised if i tell you, I kinda help alota my friends, tell em to move on, tell em that its never over, but i never follow any thing i say, makes me a total hypocrite.


Quote :

Just have to take things one at a time: Realise what issues you have, and find ways of solving them. Don't take short cuts, don't opt for the scenic route. You want the route that had lions and huge wasps in it. If anything, you'll have the signs that you tried (in the form of proverbial stings and bites, perhaps proverbial death but if you see too many lions, you should back off).

Sorry, random humour moments. Seriousness isn't always a strong point. Plus, too serious and you lose focus. Gotta enjoy this crap somehow.

Lol its all right, i really needed to laugh some of it, I have something in mind, I wanna put everything down in paper, every weakness and every problem i have, put an end to all of them one by one, sadly i just get all lazy and do nothing in the end, i just hope i dont this time.
-----------------------------

Anyways, one major update, I ve done something i wanted to do since 5 years, although i didnt say everything i wanted to, i just did tell him things he supposed to know, i reasoned my actions, things i ve always been quite at, i dont know if he understood, it seems he didnt, and i feel all so insecure about it, but something tells me i did the right thing talking to him, hes my dad after all.
I know not if am happy about it, i really dont know.
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Cromell
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PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptySat Jul 17, 2010 6:22 pm

It's better to speak out what lies in your heart, in most cases. Even if it's nothing pleasant, people usually appreciate honesty, in the end.

After all, dialog is a basic to all kinds of communication.

If you are too impatient waiting for the outcome that is far away, maybe try doing things step by step. A little now, a little then... ya know what I mean?

You've got one life. One that is just starting. Carpe diem. It really works, if used correctly Smile
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Donnymaniac
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PostSubject: Re: The maniac's complexities.   The maniac's complexities. EmptyThu Jul 29, 2010 2:18 pm

Exams 2 months from now, maybe less than 2 months, and i dont want anything less than a fucking 4.5 gp, i know its my first year, and its barely but 0.5 of my overall gp but idc, i ve had a fucked up childhood, a screwed up teenage life, and i seriously want a change.

Next am hoping i will get a new processor when am done with my exams, hopefully, i need 60 fps on my dota, no ups or downs.
My lan games are improving, my team is moving ahead, i can say, we are better than we were before, hopefully next year we are gona win some serious tournaments.

Depressions? None of that lately, its in me, but its weird am not thinking about it, am really glad i aint.

The saddest thing though, is my best friend is going back to Canada on the 29th of august, i ve been friends with him since 5 or maybe 6 years away, i just dont know how i feel, making best friends is hard, losing them is like tearing your arm or leg away.
Fuck it man, he texts me and i dont reply, or i do but then throw my cell away, its just sad.

---------------------------------------------------

Am on a pendulum fever btw <3 <3 <3
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