Random Jokes

Heres some i got in an email. some are awesome others lame. but to each his own

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn ' t much, but the reception
was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I ' ll serve you, but don ' t start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for
the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can ' t stop singing ' The Green, Green
Grass of Home. ' " "That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It ' s Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning." "I don ' t believe you,"
says Dolly. "It ' s true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you ' ve heard this
bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn ' t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can ' t feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can ' t -
I ' ve cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and
pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it
sank, proving once again that you can ' t have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they
moved off. "Because", he said, "I can ' t stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Year ' s later; Juan
sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They ' re twins! If you ' ve seen
Juan, you ' ve seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set
of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh,
man, this is so bad, it ' s good)..... A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent
twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope
that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.




Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

this ones friggin great!

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?





Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Quote :

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn ' t much, but the reception
was excellent.

rofl, that ones so lame its good.

and that hell one, a well deserved A+

Here's something I got over the net

1. A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"



2. Two women were arguing about which of their dogs was the smartest.

“My dog is so smart,” the first woman said, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to arrive, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me in bed.”

The second woman replied, “I know. My dog told me.”

Here we go, raunchy-time!!!


An 85 year old man walks into a fertility doctor's office and says "Hey doc, I need to get me a sperm count."
The doctor looks the man over and looks over his chart and says "Sir, from the looks of things I don't think you'll be needing a sperm count."
The old man says "Look doc, I already been through this with my ol' lady and she wants me to get a sperm count, so by golly, I gotta get me a sperm count."
Well, the doctor gets a specimen jar out from a drawer and hands it to the old man and says "Okay, take this home and fill it over the weekend, and bring it back on Monday. Keep it in your refrigerator until then."
"Okay, thanks doc!" The old man leaves the office.
That Monday, the 85 year old man comes back into the office and puts the jar on the doctor's desk and says "Here ya go, doc..."
The doctor looks at the jar and says "Why, this is empty, there's no semen in here...was there a problem?"
The old man answers "Hell yeah there was a problem!"
The doctor asks him "Well, what was it?"
The old man says "Well doc, it's like this...I tried with my left hand...I tried with my right hand...My wife tried with HER left hand...She tried it with her RIGHT hand...She tried it with her teeth in, and she even tried it with her teeth OUT...

BUT WE JUST COULDN'T GET THE DAMNED LID OFFA THAT JAR!!"


---hehe...pervs...

1. A new teacher was trying to make use of the psychology courses she’d taken in college. She started class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.”

After a few seconds, one boy stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid?”

“No, ma’am,” the boy replied, “but I hate to see you stand there all by yourself.”


2. Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


3. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

Little Johnny wrote a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."