Ryo Rant Journal!

FUCK!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Why is it that no matter what happens, I'm always the one to get fucked over again and again? I'm easy to get along with, I follow the rules set for me, I don't cause any problems, but I am always fucked over! How, you ask?

My sister (Not Sabriel) and I have been living with our mom and stepdad. They get in a fight, and my sister and I, who have nothing to do with it, are suddenly getting kicked out. I have until the end of the year to be out of here. I have no job, no money, no mode of transportation. Even if I were to get a job today, I wouldn't have enough money for a place to stay before I have to be gone.

We didn't have a single fucking thing to do with this, and we are being fucked over. My sister doesn't have it so bad though, she has someone to help her. I have nobody. Two of my siblings aren't in positions to help me, and the third doesn't want to help me. My only hope is I do get kicked out is that one of the two non-blood-related Orions can help me. One I don't think is in a position to, though.


I'm sick of all this bullshit!

that's shocking, man. That's what we call adults. We the youngster who have nothing to do with their problem, sometimes are dragged into theirs.

have you talked to them about this. Or maybe ask for more time

Every time I try to talk to either of them about it, they just start arguing. One won't listen to anything I have to say and the other says there's nothing they can do. Both are full of shit.

Once, when I was in grade school, I was asked where I thought I would be by age 20. I sure as hell didn't imagine this bullshit.

Well, it took two weeks, but one of the files I submitted to JKFiles has finally been posted:

http://jediknight3.filefront.com/file/Crappy_Weapon_Pack;106525

My weapons pack, obviously.


I hope they upload the other file today also... The final version of my personal skin. Four years ago today, the first version was posted on the site. The site manager said they would upload it today, but that was about a week ago and I haven't heard back (about other things) since... Ah well, if the manager doesn't do it, there was another reviewer who said they would...

Today just keeps getting better and better! First my weapons pack is uploaded to JKFiles, then my skin is as well. Then I get told that I am welcome back to the JKFiles reviewing team. Last, but far from least, I find my paycheck sitting on the floor in my room! Only $35, but that's not bad for only four and a half hours of playing Rogue Warrior.

Wonder what else will go my way today...

*Ryojin wins the lottery*

Share prz?

YOU CAN NOT HAZ CHEEZBURGER!

Well, looks like I'm fucked. Why? Because my sister told me I could go to her place for a while when I get kicked out. Why?

She started playing her music loudly sometime this afternoon. I start playing mine, turning it up only loud enough to block hers out of my room. She turns hers up even more. I turn mine up even more to block it out. She keeps turning it up every time I turn mine up to block hers out. Soon I am near max volume. It stays that way for a while. I turn mine down, go out and knock on her door to ask her to turn it down. She doesn't answer. I turn mine back up. A bit later I turn it down again and wait to see if she will turn it down. She doesn't. I turn mine back up, but not loud enough to block hers out. After a while, I slam my fist on the wall to try to get her attention. She yells that she won't turn it down.

This is the point I give up trying to do a damn thing on my computer. I turn up my music 3/4 of the way to max volume, leave the room, and hop on my xbox. It's because of that that she is no longer willing to let me stay with her until I can get a place of my own.


I now have one single little hope for not being completely fucked. It would mean living in a place I hate, though.

Well, there's two options, but the second one would involve pretty much giving up everything I know and love...

well all I got to say to that is "shit"

I just woke from a weird dream... Robin and I were in Seattle with our grandparents. Robin went off somewhere while I followed my grandparents to the needle and watched them go inside. I stayed outside and took pictures with my cameraphone before wandering off to go find Robin. Once I found her, we went into a building that had multiple underground floors.

This is where I had one of my typical 'dream shifts'. It's the same dream, but it changes almost completely.

I got down the stairs first, and where there should be another flight of stairs, there was a rusty old lift. It was also extremely dark, but for some reason I wanted to keep going. I knew something bad would happen once one of us went down the elevator, but the bathroom was down there somewhere and Robin really had to go. So I told her to run as soon as she got down there.

She takes the short lift down a single level and runs like hell. When she is out of sight, I hear a loud metal being dragged on metal sound. I see what I had feared would show up. I watch it get on the lift, and start coming up to where I am. I say screw the lift, and jump down the level while it was taking the lift up. I run through the door at the bottom, but the area's layout has completely changed. Where there were stairs above before, there was now just a door leading to an upper level of the same room I had just run into.

As I ran, the huge sword carried by what had appeared slashed through the catwalk it was on in an attempt to get to me. After running through another door, I found myself in a wide open room with no exits, the catwalk above broken down less than a quarter of the way across the room. The monster jumps down onto my level and heads straight for me. I arm myself with anything I can find, which happens to be a pair of scissors.

I run up to it, slash at it, then jump back, dodging it's blade, then counter by trying to cut it's arm off with the scissors. Trying such a thing was preventing it from slashing at me, and it didn't seem to be using it's other arm or legs, but on the broken catwalk, something else showed up. It was unarmed, but seemed to be able to summon little bug monsters to attack me. One of the little bugs bit my neck, and another cut my ear.

It was at this point that I woke up, free from my struggle with Pyramid Head and Valtiel...

Quite an adventure you had there. Sword, abandoned building, monsters, and most importantly, a dangerous weapon which you use, scissors! Epic!

Yup, fun indeed. It's funny though... Through the whole thing I never once got scared. I stayed rational and formed a plan of attack, which worked until another appeared...

I think it's a sign you're been playing to much SH.

I haven't played any SH game in months.

Wow... I seem to have gone from having hardly any work at all to nonstop work! At least a solid week of working every day... But, seeing as how I love my job, I really don't care a whole lot. It just kinda sucks spending what little money I have on bus fares. I need a car... What really sucks, though, is that I work from 5pm to 2am, and the bus I need to take home stops running at around 7 or 8 pm, so I need to get rides from people.

But it's worth it to me. Like I said before, I love my job. It's just too bad that I will have to leave it soon because I am gonna be moving.

Hmmmm... Somehow I have to work in finding another job, since this one doesn't pay enough to be a main job... When I am gonna find the time for that, I have no idea... Plus, if I do find one and end up not having to move out of Washington, I still have to find another place to live. Ugh, my next day off is next Wednesday, and I have to be out about a week after that... >.<

So much to get done, so little time... >.<

And as if things weren't bad enough, my air bed has a hole in it. I woke up in the middle of the night on the floor, and now my back hurts like hell. All I really want to do right now is go back to sleep, but I gotta be on my way to work in two hours.

I'd be a lot happier right now if my back didn't hurt so much... I need to find where that damn hole in my air bed is and patch it up somehow... >.<

So you know how I said my first day off would be today? It wasn't. I was scheduled to come into work, and had no idea until I got the confirmation call last night. So I went in. Didn't have any time for what I had previously planned for today, but oh well, at least I'm getting paid.

I worked, I came home, and now I can actually sleep in after eight straight days of work.

Yeah, I know, eight days straight doesn't sound too bad, but when you have to deal with the transportation issues that I do, it seems like an eternity. Get up before dawn to catch the bus and still have to run to make it there on time and run to catch the bus home for the day shift, and take as much time as needed to get there for the night shift, but get bitched at for needing a ride home because the bus doesn't run at 2:00am.

I wouldn't be so damn tired if not for the fact that even after I get off the bus, there's a hell of a long way to go on foot to get to where I work. It isn't so bad for the night shifts since I can take my time getting there, which takes half an hour to walk, but during the day... For the day shifts, I have to catch the first bus that runs in that direction for the day, get off, which leaves me twenty minutes before I have to be there. Basic math says that if I walk, I would be ten minutes late, which would really suck since at the start of each shift, the buildings doors are locked and can only be unlocked by keycards given to employees at the start of the shift.

I'd have to go into another building and ask the sec. there to call someone to let me in and get me a keycard, which could take a while, assuming my position hadn't been filled already, making me even later.

So I have to run. Fortunately, it's downhill, but that means it sucks even more having to get back to the right bus stop to get home. I could just walk, but then I would have to catch a later bus. I would have to sit at the bus stop for at least an hour, freezing my ass off. So I gotta run back. Uphill. It's quite tiring, especially considering how steep that hill is... Add in the fact that I am sore to begin with because of an air mattress with a hole in it, and you get a really tired and sore Ryojin.



My back and legs hurt like hell right now. >.<

Christmas went well for me. At least, it went as well as it could have without getting anything but food and a very sore throat. Oh yeah, also got a pic of me and Michelle, which was awesome. It's just too bad that my eyelids look swollen in that pic for some reason... O.o

Jeez... Can't stop coughing... It wouldn't seem so strange if I had a runny nose or something, but it's only a sore throat. I'm completely fine otherwise. I wish I knew why my throat hurts though. I can barely even talk...

You might have the beginning of the flu... When I got sick that happened to me. A sore throat, then the fever hit later. (Of course, twas the regular flu. )

I didn't get anything either, so don't feel so bad.

It's been a few days since my throat first started hurting though. Whatever... I just wish I could speak clearly so that I can get the arrangements for me moving set. :/

New symptom: The right side of my nose is stuffed and seems to be unable to be cleared. Just the right side. On the positive side, though, my throat hurts less than it did before. I can almost talk normally again. Still seem unable to sleep more than three hours at a time though. I'm not even tired, though I've gotten far less sleep in the past few days than I should have.

In other news, four days til I have to be gone from this place. Now the panic is starting to set in. I got two paychecks for the same pay period, but it still isn't enough to pay for a place to live, so it looks like I am gonna have to borrow some money... It's just too bad the the source of the money thinks that I am gonna spend it all on McDonalds food. Ridiculous... I'm not my sister, after all!

Ah well... I'll survive somehow. I always do, whether or not anyone decides to help.

Awesome, I just coughed up blood!


...


Seriously, I did. And I have no reason to worry about it either. Why? Because my nose was bleeding, and it ran down the back of my throat as I went to grab something to help it. Gross, eh?

Well anyway... Tomorrow I am heading out to check out a house that has a room for rent. $500 a month, an extra $15 for cable/net access. I still need to search for a new job, which I will do before checking the place tomorrow.

I did get a tempting offer though... To stay where I am, but pay rent. That would be a far easier option for me, but I don't know if I will stay. There's many reasons to it, which I don't want to list out, but I've got a decision to make, and only three days to make it.

Either way, it seems I am staying in Washington. For now anyway...

Fear...

When you ask someone what they fear the most, you are likely to almost never get a true answer. Why? Paranoia, fear itself, but mostly because many people are not aware of what they truly fear. It's something that I tend to think about. What people fear and why they fear it.

For me, it's pretty simple. I don't know if it is my biggest fear, but it most certainly is close to it if not... Insanity. Not in others, though... Only for myself.

The mind is what interprets all our senses to form what we call reality, so reality is only what we perceive it to be. If I lose my mind, then how can I ever know if what I see, hear, or feel is real at all? How can I trust anything at all if this 'anything at all' could possibly not even exist?

Sorta makes me think about things... It's true that reality is only what our minds perceive it to be, but how exactly can we be sure that it really is the way we see it? Hell, for all we know, we could all really just be a collection of minds in nothingness, imagining reality as we go along.






I'm a fairly quiet person. No, scratch that... I'm an extremely quiet person. I have very few friends because of it. You see, it was the way I was raised. For me it was pretty much always "Shut up and behave yourself" no matter the situation, so I never got much of a chance to grow socially. I was taught that it would be best if I speak only when spoken to, and to stay out of the way. Robin was lucky in this case. She got it too, but nowhere as near as much as I did. Unlike her, however, I was unable to recover and regain any little bit of social skills, and at this point in my life, it is really hurting. So in my silence, I sit and think quietly to myself. About what? Anything, really. I tend to get lost in thought in times like that, and take to staring blankly at something while my mind wanders. I let my mind flow where it wants to, and if interrupted, I can't even explain myself because I'd have forgotten where I started on the path to what I was thinking about anyway.

I've noticed that sometimes I seem to disconnect with my surroundings when I do this... My eyes could be wide open, but everything looks like it is on a tiny old TV that is at least ten feet away. Sometimes when I think about that I wonder if it's because I am just so spaced out or if it is because I have become more aware of the things I can't see, past the corners of my eyes, behind them, above them, below them. Prolly the former... <.<




And while I try to get any thoughts out of my head, more work their way in. But the time I finish typing out one thought, ten more force their way into the first's place. It wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that about 90% of the thoughts that pop up completely fail to get the point that I wanted across.





In a lot of video games, I have seen the main character start out all powerful, but quickly lose all their power, to be regained as the game goes on. To be honest, sometimes I feel this way about myself. When I was younger, I was so different. I was a near-perfect student, I was in a special advanced class with my sister, I was generally sharper, and happier. Then it all changed for me, seemingly overnight. It's like someone put my brain on sleep mode and forgot to restore it. As time has passed, things have slowly improved. Each major change seems to happen almost instantly.

For example, I've drawn for a large portion of my life. It was just a hobby. When I started school at Lake Washington, I had to take a couple of drawing classes for the program I was in. Throughout my entire time there, I did not improve at all when it came to drawing.

A few years later, I go to sleep, and have a dream that I am drawing. When I woke up, I grabbed a pencil and paper and started drawing, only it wasn't how I used to do it. All those skills that should have shown up while I was taking those classes suddenly showed up overnight, years later!

I just feel like everything I need is all here in my head, but it's being blocked. I truly wish, more than almost anything else, that I could remove these blocks in my mind... Blocks that I am fairly certain that I set up myself.



Enough of this babbling for now...

So I pretty much wasted most of my day. The one thing I had to do was go to the bank to deposit a paycheck and get a little cash out of my account there. I woke up late as hell (1pm) and left the house 10 minutes after waking up to catch a bus into town. When I am across the street from the bus stop, I see the bus blast on by. The next one was scheduled an hour later. I decided to not wait and just started walking. I had a good hour to walk before another bus came by, and made it halfway to where I was going before I caught the next bus. When I finally get to where I need to go, to the bank, I find they are closed. I didn't realize that it was Martin Luther Kind Jr. Day. So I call my mom to get a ride back, since I blew the last of my money on the bus ride to the bank. No answer. It seems that the one time she decided to leave the house this week was the one time I needed her there. So I call my stepdad to ask if she is there, and find she isn't, but he said he would give me a ride back. After getting off the phone with him, my mom calls. She was at a Taco Bell about half a mile away from where I was. Long story short(er): I got home with nothing but two Chalupas and a lot of wasted time.

In other news, I beat Mass Effect today. I love the game, but it was far too short. I did almost everything I could do in the game on the first playthrough in about 30 hours. It wasn't like I was rushing through it either. To give a decent idea of what this really means... When I first played FF8, the timer was well over 80 hours of gameplay, and I hadn't even done all the sidequests. Unlike FF8, however, Mass Effect seems to have some replay value which I am just starting to get into... When creating my first character, I didn't realize that you could have a different first name, appearance, class, etc when you played. I thought it was always the Earthborn Sole-Survivor Male Human Soldier John Shepard.


Also started rereading Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. A great book, if you ask me. Bit sad though.


Mmkay, it's 3:16am and I need to try to force myself to sleep, though I do not feel tired at all... >.<