Ryo Rant Journal!

I just realized something... I can't remember seeing a mirror in any dream that I have had. I am unable to picture myself (other than my face in certain positions) at all. I also usually can not see people's faces in my dreams. I know who they are, but I never seem to be looking them in the face. Always something just past them, or a shoulder. For that matter... Now that I think of it, I can't remember hearing anyone's voice in my dreams either...

I have never been able to scream in a dream, or even yell. Usually that is combined with the inability to run, which I used to have. I never encounter that anymore, however. Usually when I run, it's the exact opposite. I usually can't stop easily, and I find that my weight shoots downward and I can take running jumps and glide, getting a running start when I land. Well, either that, or I just trip and fall on my face... But never paralyzed. I've read some things about such an effect and how apparently wiggling your tongue or toes makes that go away. Honestly, I took up saying something, a short word, just before running. It took a while though. I first had to get used to doing that while awake so that I would remember while asleep.


I've only had a few dreams of falling in my life. I've had far more dreams of drowning than I have of falling, the worst of which involved me being trapped in a station wagon sinking in a pool of snot. I've rarely flown in my dreams, but glide often. I always dream in color, although I have heard of a few people who dream in black and white only.




I've decided to try to control my dreams as much as I can. Lucid Dreaming is the term, I believe. I just have to be careful with it... I know how some of the things my mind tends to do, and I know how easily things can turn sour in my dreams.

I mentioned earlier not seeing mirrors in my dreams. I actually did a little bit of reasearch on certain events while dreaming... Seeing one can result in multiple things, but the most common two are A) You realize you are dreaming, therefore entering the lucid dream state, or B) You see a distorted and quite possibly disturbing version of yourself which could easily lead to nightmares.

I can easily imagine myself looking into a mirror and seeing my own hell looking back at me instead of my reflection.


I wonder if this little experiment will lead to nightmares for me... I've only had a handful of nightmares in my entire life, and only two that I can vaguely remember...

The first was when I think was a daycare place... I fell asleep there, dreaming I was in the same place that I had fallen asleep in... I had a dream that there was a zombie attack. On a tv, there was an alert signal coming in, and for some reason, an video of a zombie going down a waterslide. I was quite young when I had this dream... Three or four, maybe... Only reason I still remember it is because of how much it scared me back then, but how funny I find it now.

The other one I remember parts of is actually not even a true nightmare. Sure, it had nightmarish settings and characters, but I didn't have that sense of fear that nightmares bring. That dream, if your wondering, is described in a post in the previous page.


One last thing I noticed... I rarely fight in my dreams, but when I do, it is always using a short bladed weapon, and I only do as much damage as is done to me. Or the damage done to me equals the damage I deal out. Usually in the same places too. I once had a dream where I was fighting off someone who broke into the house. We both had knives, and we both cut eachother up. In the end, we both had a couple of slashes on our arms, and slit throats. I never lose fights in my dreams, but I never truly win them either. All but one have ended with me and my attacker struggling to fight, but not getting anywhere. One ended with both of us dying, but me happy because I was able to protect... Well, what I was protecting is beside the point. It seems that when I attack in my dreams, I am attacking myself, although I don't recognize it as myself. Who knows... This could be a third result of the 'mirror' situation.




Thoughts of psychology and reality have been surfacing in my mind lately. It's all I can think about at times. I wish I had a voice recorder so that I could get all this down, though... >.<

I had a dream that I was back in CA. I wasn't in the same place that I have lived in the most though... This house was more like my dad's house. Robin was there, but it wasn't really Robin. It was some skinny blond who was a total bitch. Somewhere in the dream, I was in the kitchen, standing on a bike to try to reach something on top of the fridge, when she attempted to knock me down, but got knocked down instead. She called the cops on me, but they didn't believe that I hurt her.

She wouldn't have it. She returned with a revolver. The side of her head had a huge purple bruise on it. I said 'Nice bruise you got there' and she aimed the gun at me, but did not fire. This hesitation was all I needed. I lunged for the gun, and wrenched it out of her hands, and kicked her in the stomach, knocking her to the floor. Backing off, I went to unload the weapon only to find that it had been empty from the start.

That's the last of that dream that I can remember, but I did have another. Well, technically, it was two others, but one sorta flowed into the other.


I was at the store, shopping for food that we need here... As I raced around the store trying to get everything I needed, I ran into my brother, who asked what I was doing. I said shopping, and was informed that the store closes in ten minutes. I told Robin (who was really Robin in this dream) to go get Onion Powder, which I forgot to get last time I was at the store, and I headed to get some frozen pizzas. My brother pointed out a stand with some deodorant and body wash of my favorite brand on display. After seeing my favorite kind from this brand missing from the display, I headed on.

At the far end of the store, I found myself in a mall setting. By the doors leading out to the other shops in the mall, some guy was attacking a couple women. I ran to their defense, but he took off before I could get there. I didn't even slow to make sure they were alright, I just chased him outside.

Outside was like a desert. Sand everywhere, every building in sight browned from all of it. It was at night. A friend joined me to help catch the attacker. Our target was not a normal human, though. He was a werewolf, and a great beast of one at that. At this point in my dream, though, I was not a normal human either. I was a vampire.

We encountered an elder vampire being attacked and destroyed by the giant werewolf, which then set it's sights on us. My friend went down first as I ran like hell. I did not get far before the great beast was on me. It attempted to bite my arm, but couldn't get a good grip on me. I jumped on it's back and wrapped my arms around it's neck, positioning myself so that it could not bite me, no matter what it tried. Problem was, I couldn't attack it from that position either. I certainly wasn't strong enough to choke it to death. It ran between some buildings, where a couple other vampires showed up. They threw some sort of powder onto us, which halted all movement, then they put some herbs in my mouth. The werewolf started glowing, then disappeared. I felt it merging with me, but I could barely move still. I fell over and dragged myself to a wall, which was shiny for some reason. I could see my face in the wall, but it wasn't mine as it is now... Short hair, free of facial hair, paler than I am, except for around my eyes, which were rather red. My eyes and nose were twitching, especially my right eye. I had human teeth when I saw into my mouth. Except the bottom of a front tooth was black, and a couple of other teeth were pointier than they should have been.

At that point, staring into my own twitching face, I felt my strength returning, then I woke up.

God, one thing after another today!

First I get all bullshit games to test at work while the people on both sides of me get great games, then my mom forgets to pick me up from work, then a bad headache develops, then I get home to find that the huge jug of water that was bought from the store last night is halfway empty, the missing half all over the floor and counter in the kitchen, and a couple of other things happened that I won't even get into here.

Grrrr....

Well, today is turning out to be an unusual one... Last night I got a confirmation call that I work today at 7:30am... So I get up at 5:30, leave the house at 6:30 to catch the bus at 6:42, I get off the bus at about 6:55, and run part of the way to where I work, getting there at about 7:20. Five minutes later, everyone in the room is told that the 7:30 shift has been canceled. As I was leaving, I started chatting with a coworker and was offered a ride home.

So while my day has been a waste so far, it could have been worse. I have no idea when a bus back would have been... I prolly would have had to wait for an hour at the bus stop, and it's below freezing outside... >.<

So I played Rock Band a bit tonight... My skill in that has improved a bit, but I still can't play it above medium. Likewise, my skill with my bass has improved a little. My stiff fingers have been loosening up.

Otherwise today has been boring as hell... Walked to the store to buy some food simply because I had absolutely nothing to do. I wasn't really even that hungry. :/

So I decided to upgrade to Windows 7... I got it installed and running, but the damn thing wouldn't connect properly using the wireless card in the computer. Three hours of trying to fix it, and I decide to just say 'fuck it' and use a cord to connect. Unfortunately, the cord I have isn't as long as I would like it to be, but it works for now...

Other than the wireless issues, I gotta say that so far I rather like Windows 7... I still have yet to get too into it though...

Last night Bill decided to give my mom and I a three day notice to move out... It wasn't an official legal notice, so I threw them away.



Ah, today...

I woke up to a noise I couldn't identify. I sat up, looked around, and immediately the power went out. Apparently a tree fell or something and knocked out the power lines. It's fine by me, gave me a chance to read some of my books... But my mom was working. She needs her computer to be able to make money.

There is a generator in this house, but it belongs to Bill, the only one who can use it. He refused to turn it on. When we went down to ask him to turn it on, he said no. Why? Because he didn't feel like it. He said we didn't deserve any power. He started to get threatening to both me and my mom, so my mom called the police on him.

When they got here, they told us that they can't do anything about the power situation, but noticed that every other house had power. He had flipped the switch on the breaker to off so that we couldn't get power once it came back up. That's illegal. I know this because the cops told me so.

So I flipped the switch on to give the house it's power back. As I was leaving the garage, he said to me, "So the power's back on, huh?" I asked him why he turned it off, and he said that he does it every time the power goes out. He said that he has told me that every time. Pure bullshit, he has never said that to me.

At this point, the police ask me to get him so they can talk to him. I do. He claims that we were both in his face (I stood at the entrance to his room and did not move any closer. My mom walked a bit further in, but no closer than 10 feet away) and that we are lying moochers.

The police informed him that they had no authority to throw us out since my mom is married to him, and that he would have to get a court order for anything to happen. They also informed him that he has no right to deny us usage of the washer and dryer.

I don't know if I had explained it before, but a while ago, I went to wash my clothes. He took them out of the washer, soaking wet, and told me that I had no right to use the washer or dryer, and that I had to take them to a laundromat. I had no money for that, and he knew it. So my clothes have been sitting in a tub, soaking wet for a couple weeks now. They are STILL wet.

I swear, I have never been so excited to wash clothes. If the police hadn't told him that he has no right to deny us usage of the washer and dryer, then I would probably have to throw the clothes away, because they would be ruined by sitting so long, soaking wet. They already smell far worse than any clothes that I have ever smelled.


Man, Bill is going to push and push, and it's only going to ruin him. He already made the mistake of talking back to the cops. They told him what they needed to, and when he wouldn't stop arguing, they simply walked out on him.

He's being a dick for no reason. We have already found a place and are trying to rent it. We actually went to the place yesterday. It's small, and sorta in the middle of nowhere, but our chances of getting it are great unless the references don't check out. Unfortunately, the guy we talked to requested Bill's info as well. Bill said he was going to tell him that we left holes in the walls, destroyed a lot of stuff, and left huge piles of trash everywhere, none of which are true at all.

What he doesn't realize is that if he causes us to not be able to move out, we are just going to be here even longer, since he legally can't kick us out without a court order, which could take months for him to get. Plus, if he makes it so that we can't get a place, when we are forced to move out, my mom can get him for spousal support, since she has no assets, and he has thousands of dollars of assets. I personally haven't done the research, but she has, along with my grandmother and her lawyer.

He's bending over and fucking himself in the ass, and he doesn't even realize it. He refuses to believe it.

I'm just glad that I can finally have clean clothing again!

I said he was going to keep pushing, and I was right. Yesterday, a police officer and judge showed up at the house with a court order to remove my mom from the house. He got a fucking protection order against her somehow, so now she isn't allowed inside this house without a court order of her own.

So now I have to do all the packing for not only myself, but my mom as well.

I'm still not sure why she was the one who was forced out of here and not me... It makes no sense to me...

So many times have I erased this post and simply restarted. I care far too much how I am viewed by others and how I make others feel, and it's destroying me. So instead I will leave it at this:




There was a post here. It's gone now.

Nice Silent Hill reference.

I'm on xfire, and will be for a while.

I'm surprised you caught it. I never pegged you for one who pays much attention to it.

A thought occurred to me... I never actually got any restraining order against me. Right now, all I have is Bill's word that there is one against me.

But that doesn't make sense. When the cop came to remove my mom, it was because of his actions against her. There were none against me. Why would they let me stay there, and then suddenly have this order against me, from out of nowhere?

I need to have someone get a copy of that order to me... If nobody can do so, then it's perfectly legal for me to go get the rest of my stuff. Even if the order exists, they can't hold it to me because nobody proved it existence...

Also, he sent the one against my mom to my grandma, and she was sending it here to us. There was only the one for her, and nothing for me... It doesn't make sense to send one and not the other.

I wonder if he was just bs'ing you then.

I'm thinking he was... He didn't tell me directly. He told Amber, who told mom, who told me. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was lying his ass off, yet again.

What a fuckin' douchebag.

HA! I knew it!

There is no order against me! He filed one, but it was denied!

Ryojin wrote:

HA! I knew it!

There is no order against me! He filed one, but it was denied!

Ahh good, I am glad for you

Me too, since it means that I can legally go get my shit now. He was being a lying prick, as usual, and trying to keep me away...

Yay! Finally got the rest of my shit from Bill's house!

Got my desk all set up in my room... I had to rearrange everything in here to fit it in, but I did it. Barely. It's pretty comfortable now though.

Only one problem... Amber had my drawings, and didn't give them to me before we left... But, at least Bill doesn't have them. Fucker threw away THREE electric razors that belonged to me, along with an almost-new pack of regular razors. Now I can't shave until I get a replacement...

Oh well, could be worse...

Cool... http://jediknight3.filefront.com/file/JediHM_Addon;113381

My skin! I need to work on it a lot more, though, and get good icons for it.

Heh... So I got bored last night after I got Photoshop installed again, and...

It's 4am, and I can't sleep. I can't get my brain to quiet down long enough to allow me to fall asleep. Many things run through my mind... Reflections on my life, plans for my future, things I wish I weren't too embarrassed to tell certain people, things I wish I hadn't told people, and more.

Most of the time I'm just trying to figure out why the hell I am so unhappy when everything in my life is going great. I know one source of unhappiness in my life... This particular problem went away for a while, but did not stay gone. I know what made the problem go away, but it was only by random chance that I found the means to make the problem disappear. I could make my situation reflect the one that made the problem go away, but I fear that my attempt to do so will only cause me more unhappiness in the end, like it so nearly did in the first place.


One thought leads to another, and that one leads to yet another. I can't stop the process. It keeps going on and on until I forget the single thought I started out with. The worst part is that this happens so quickly. I can easily gain and derail hundreds of long trains of thought before falling asleep...

On the upside, during this time, I often think of solutions that I had never thought of before. I form plans that might have seemed impossible before. The lack of sleep isn't good though. It makes me stay up all night, which makes me sleep all day. Sleeping all day means I get nothing at all done, and getting nothing done means depression.

This is a vicious circle... My depression keeps me awake at night, which makes me get nothing done, which causes even more depression. If only I knew why I am so depressed in the first place, I could break this damn cycle I'm stuck in... I have hints at the causes, but nothing specific.

Except for the one... But that isn't the main cause of my depression anyway, so that doesn't matter.



Sleep would really do me some good right now...

Damn... Every dream I had last night was related to either an old school that I used to go to, or Empire At War. Mostly Empire At War.

In my dream, I was actually commanding the ships in battle. I don't remember exactly which faction I was a part of, but I do know that I was using both Imperial and Zann ships. I was taking planets one at a time, building up a main and secondary fleet near Kuat, and building a ground force on Kamino. I went down to a planet's surface to do something (I can't remember what) and found myself at my old school. At least, in the dream, I had thought it was my old school. It was actually a mix of various schools I have been in in my life. I tried looking for people I used to know, but found nobody. I eventually left and destroyed the planet it was on. Why? I dunno, but it was a hell of a lot of fun.

Cool dream, man. I also would like to burn down one of my previous schools, even in my dream.

I once had a dream about taking part in some medieval battle... could be the one of Grunwald, because enemies were wearing white coats. Anyhow, I led a charge of chilvalry, then someone killed my horse and I fought on foot, and then someone mauled me with a morgenstern and I woke up.... probably one of my weirdest dreams I ever had. What is even more amazing, after I woke up, I felt pain in my arm, where I got hit in my dream. Maybe I hit something in my sleep, but still, the power of mind is amazing

Cromell wrote:

I once had a dream about taking part in some medieval battle... could be the one of Grunwald, because enemies were wearing white coats. Anyhow, I led a charge of chilvalry, then someone killed my horse and I fought on foot, and then someone mauled me with a morgenstern and I woke up.... probably one of my weirdest dreams I ever had. What is even more amazing, after I woke up, I felt pain in my arm, where I got hit in my dream. Maybe I hit something in my sleep, but still, the power of mind is amazing

I'm reminded of a dream I had once... Short version: Someone broke into our house, armed with a knife. I grabbed a knife to defend myself, and we cut each other's throats. I woke up with a sore throat, although the reason for that was that it was extremely dry...

I know the power of the mind... When I was younger, I was grounded from listening to my music... My body started experiencing all sorts of weird problems that steadily got worse until I was ungrounded.

What a weird fucking coincidence... I had a dream where my right arm was bitten by a deadly white snake. Later, I had a dream that ended with my right arm being bitten by two rather large and angry dogs. I woke up with the spot where both injuries occurred hurting like hell. Not a mark on my arm, and there's really nothing I could have hit it on...

The power of the mind, indeed.

Part of my dream involved some characters from Star Trek. Riker, for one, though he didn't play a big part in the dream. Data did play a big part, though. He made some sort of alcoholic drink that he gave my mom, and I went to try some, but he didn't want me to. Another version of him with yellowish skin walked over and poured me a very small drink. My mom and I then started heading home, but my bike's tires were flat. For some reason, she had a bike too, and not her car. And her bike was a two-seater. We both rode her bike, while I rolled mine along, except mine didn't want to roll. We crashed into someone's yard. I immediately went to make sure she was alright, when two dogs ran after us. I pushed her out of the way, and was attacked.

I knew that if I left the yard, I would be fine, but I couldn't get away. They had my arm, and my legs were hurting from the crash.

I woke up right after that. My arm hurt like hell, and I was rather thirsty. I had a bottle of soda on my desk, so I stood up so I could grab it, but I immediately fell back down in pain. My legs were hurting like hell. But there is a reason for that... I spent nearly all day yesterday walking around town, trying to find a job. Anyway, I almost couldn't walk...


There was a lot more to the dreams I had that I can remember, but most of it was so freaking weird that I would have a hard time describing it... :/